"I love you"

To my bear.

Three words that mean so much for me, but are sometimes overused in every little conversation with not a deep feeling.

It's not wrong using it, telling how much you appreciate someone or something; but I've always preferred showing instead of telling.

However, sometimes I don't really know how to express myself but it's important to do so. Words and feelings don't match how I want them to. Overwhelmed is how I feel sometimes, too much feelings to explain.

I'll try.
Never have I felt like this with someone. So much trust and love. The willingness to share stories, laughs, tears and experiences. Passions. Emotions. Spending time together, but being okay if we are separated. Not being needy, or depending on the other to live. Having a healthy relationship. Looking for advice. The books, the films, the series, the music. Sharing the important and the stupid things, like work and the noise of the cats outside.

I don't know...

I just like you a whole lot. I feel so loved and blessed with you. So happy and free. The gifts and showing how much you mean to me. How much we mean to each other.

I like being liked by your friends and family. I like that I talk about you with a stupid smile on my face. I adore that you do the same. How weird we are and how weird we are together fascinates me.

Everything is so easy. We work together, we move forward together and we push each other to be better. Even if we fight or get angry with the other, I still choose you, you are still that special someone and will always be. As much and as long as you want me.

In a short time, you became such an important person in my life even before being formal and official. Those feelings grow more and more everyday.

I just...

I need you. I want you. I like you.

I guess... To be simple:

I love you.

- Cristina (the bee)

Confiar

- Dejas que la gente te cuente sus problemas, sus miedos, sus aventuras, sus ideas, sus sueños; pero tú nunca cuentas nada, joder. No te abres a la gente. ¿Y luego me dices que no quieres nada que ver conmigo porque no te conozco? ¿Cómo crees que eso me hace sentir? Yo te doy apoyo y te cuento sobre mí, estoy para tí cuando quieras pero nunca recurres a mí. No quieres nada con nadie. Tienes razón, no te conozco, estoy harto de esta situación y de tu comportamiento. Estoy hasta la mismísima polla. Paso. Ya no me importa nada.

- ¿¡Crees que no quiero contarte mis cosas!? ¿Qué no quiero confiarte toda mi vida y dejar que no haya otra persona que me conozca completamente mas que tú?

- Eso parece.

- Yo también estoy harta de esta situación. Todo el mundo estaría mejor sin mí. Que me cuenten todo lo que quieran, yo no cuento nada y me llevo todo a otro sitio. Le quitaré a cualquier más de un peso de sus hombros.

Silencio.

- Me voy.

Le cogió de la mano, evitando que se fuera.

- Espera.

- ¿A qué? No quiero darte pena. No quiero hacer que sufras o que hagas algo que no quieres.

- Después de todo, te vas sin más.

- ¿Después de qué? Cómo ya hemos dicho, no hay nada que hacer aquí. Estamos mejor libres, ¿no?

- Habla, por favor.

- Ya no hay nada que solucionar por mucho que hablemos.

No ves que estoy sufriendo por esto. Lo pensó, pero no lo dijo. Tenía razón, ya no servía de nada hablar.

Huye, como siempre. Pon una excusa que me haga más fácil todo esto. No quiso decirlo. Dolía demasiado. Pero también dolía tener su mano en su brazo y su mirada clavada. Quería solucionarlo, y a la vez quería mandarlo todo a la mierda. De cualquier manera acabaría hecho pedazos.

_______________ ... _______________

Se oyó una puerta cerrar. Silencio. No se oía nada salvo una respiración. Una respiración que estaba harta de situaciones como la que acababa de pasar.

_____________________

____________________

Esta pequeña escena es un relato a sucio que escribí un día en el bus hacia casa que refleja un poco mi imposibilidad de confiar mis problemas a mis amigos, familiares o conocidos. Es totalmente ficticio, traté de no utilizar géneros y espero que os haya gustado.

-Cristina

NUMB

What do you do when you feel numb? When you feel nothing at all?

You say you’re not in the mood to go out or anything really. People ask whether you are okay. Good doesn’t define it. Neither does bad or not good. It’s just nothing. Emptiness. “It’s nothing”. Literally. It is, but they don’t think it’s like that. Some may ask “is anything wrong? Wanna talk about it?” You think. No, you don’t really want to talk about it. There’s no explanation for how you are feeling today. If there is any, you don’t want to try to find it. “It’s fine” “It’s okay” “It’s nothing, really” “Don’t worry”. Copy, paste; copy, paste; copy, paste.

There is two different numbs. One is when you don’t want to do anything OUTSIDE or WITH someone. Just being by yourself is the best. It is what you need. Alone. Lonely. Does the difference really matter at this point you are in? So you try to focus on anything else. Painting, watching TV or a film, reading, writing, sleeping, eating; any activity to get your thoughts out, or to make up the numbness you feel. The problem comes when the film finishes; sleeping is not necessary, the food is too much… You start to think again. Start to feel again. Feel nothing, but it’s still feeling. And you hate it. You feel everything in your stomach. Empty and tired and bored and just… Space.

The other type of numb is when you don’t even feel. You don’t feel strong enough or good enough to do anything. So you do absolutely nothing. You don’t have the focus for any activity. Not even for the ones you really love. There are no feelings but there are many thoughts. “What is wrong with me?” “What is happening?” “What am I doing?” “Am I worthless?” “Do people really care about me?” “Do I like the people around me?” "Does it matter if I like them?" "Does it matter if they like me?" “Do I like what I do?” “Do I enjoy my life? Do I like my life?” “Do I even like me?” “What even is my life?” “I don’t even matter, I am a tiny little useless thing in this huge universe and I don’t even know why I am alive”.

Those are the worst thoughts. You know they are wrong. You want to know they are wrong. However, you still have them. You want to cry. You can’t cry. Having constants reminders from yourself that you don’t know anything and existential crisis, wondering about every little detail of your life, and the whole universe even; is the worst. There’s no better way to describe it.

You don’t even get angry. It is not worth it. If you do, it’s worse and some people may think you are just angry and grumpy and don’t appreciate anything. It’s not that you don’t appreciate things but that you don’t get to appreciate it.

Other times, after having all of those previous thoughts and/or thinking you do not deserve things or people to appreciate, and you do appreciate something; suddenly you feel too much. You do cry. You don’t know why, just feel the need to do it. That something you start to appreciate is the last straw and something breaks.

After all of that, you have to ways: go back to the numb state or continue and start to feel again. But whatever path you choose doesn’t matter. They keep changing. Despite choosing one of them one day, the next day or even the next few hours you can go back to the point you started. It can be suddenly feeling great again. It can be suddenly feeling nothing again.

Yet you continue to make and start relationships with other people. Why do you even care? You make them and relationships constantly change. This relationship that was so awesome with someone starts having wholes you didn't know about. Another relationship starts to break. You cannot do something to fix any of them. You may try, but it's worse. For you, for the relationship and for the other person. You think everything is your fault. It always has been, right? Relationships help and they don't. You have to try to have more of the former and none of the last.

You just hope that one day you will not feel numb anymore, or that the numb hours, days and weeks are outnumbered by the great, the good and the right ones.

What can you do? Do you fight? Guess you can fight.

You just cope with and go on with your life.

- Cristina.